Awful Attic Books

As previously discussed, one of the great unremarked environmental hazards of attic mining is exposure to bad books. Mild extracts of these terrors are depicted in the photographs collected below.

Readers are encouraged to close their browser windows immediately if they experience any feeling of nausea or sudden affinity for the following subject matter.

The title of the first book is Blender Cooking. This is a euphemistic phrase for the construction of things which should not be — like green wobblies and blender mayonnaise. (Hint: those are also euphemisms!)

The result of consuming such delicacies? Melting eyeballs.

Front Cover

Green wobblies are always better with blender-made mayonnaise!

I'm blind!

The second book is titled But Maggie Wanted A PONY. Oh, really? It’s nice to want things! Unexpected bonus: a cameo appearance by Chuck Norris.

Front Cover

Back Cover

Finally, we have The Scrambled Yeggs — a detective novel penned by Richard S. Prather. In keeping with the style of prose, the front cover of the volume — painted by Robert E. McGinnis — depicts something vaguely salacious and offensive.

Try reading the back cover in the voice Billy West uses for Futurama’s Zap Brannigan. That is especially choice. Checkmate!

Front Cover

Front Cover

Shell Scott... makes awkward analogies involving clocks.


3 Comments so far. Comments are closed.
  1. Ha, not only is that great in Zappy’s voice, it also reads like a descriptions of one of Richard K Morgan’s ‘Takeshi Kovacs novels,’ only without allusions to 500 years of future technology and weapons. Oh, and Takeshi is usually the one doing the murdering…

    And. um. avocado mousse? Even if I liked avocados that would be disgusting. I like how the cover had a lobster tail though – I wonder if they have a blender recipe for that, too.

    At least those dusty mystery cases should provide some good drawing models, assuming you retain your sanity after photographing all those books you found.

  2. em,

    i think you should send that book to matt groenig immediately. preferably by express mail.

  3. ratchetcat,

    @saintneko: I’m almost certain I saw a blender recipe for lobster mousse. I’ll double-check! 😛

    @em: If we accept that at least 26,000,000 Richard S. Prather novels sold, Groenig may own one or more in the series already. Shell Scott may be Zap’s father!